Ties that bind
by vanhunks
Summary: PART THREE UP! A marriage under fire. Kathryn, married to Chakotay, becomes pregnant with Jaffen's child. How does Chakotay deal with this? Set after the events of Workforce.
1. Default Chapter

TIES THAT BIND

vanhunks

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Rating: PG-13

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Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway and Chakotay. Edward is mine.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: **PLEASE READ**

1. I have written a number of stories that had babies or children in them. Other than "Wanted: a miracle" this is the first story I have written where the baby is pivotal to the plot of the story. 

2. **Timeline**: This story is set following the events of "Workforce", and from there it veers into AU. There is no "Endgame" scenario, and what I've done was make their journey approximately eight years instead of the seven of the the actual [canon] timeline. Once you're into reading the story, you'll realise why. 

3. **The Premise: **To pull off this story, I've changed the canon aspect of the episode just a little. In this story, Kathryn and the other Voyager crew have no recollection of their doings on Quarra once their memories have been restored, and therefore will rely only on official logs of their time spent there and aspects relating to mind control. They remember that they were there, that's all. 

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: To Sheila, who provided the second eye and picked up things I missed! 

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SUMMARY: A marriage under fire. Kathryn, married to Chakotay, becomes pregnant with Jaffen's child. How does Chakotay deal with this? Set after the events of Workforce.

PART ONE

The morning had started pleasantly enough, with Chakotay insisting she stay in bed, he'd bring her breakfast. They had lots of time, he said, more than enough to linger a little longer and just enjoy one another's company. Then he showed her just how much in love with her he still was. They had remained entwined, bathed in the dreaminess that came with loving at their age. She had drifted into a slumber until he woke her with a kiss and gently reminded her that they had a full afternoon to spend at the Academy and that Edward was already there. She had wanted to chide him for not waking her sooner; instead, she had given a sigh of delight, unable to remain mad at Chakotay for long. She had been tired from the previous day's preparations and he had sensed that she needed to relax before the afternoon's events. He had always sensed her needs, always knew just how to make her feel like a queen, always made sure she was well rested before any big event. 

Edward had indeed been there along with all the other final year cadets, and she had hardly had time to have a word with him before the ceremony started. Chakotay must have hailed him very early this morning, since he had been staying over at his grandmother who declared flatly, "Your son is eating me out of house and home, Chakotay." 

Kathryn had wanted Edward to stay home before the big day, but father and son were equally adamant that he was all grown now, and Mother and Father didn't need to baby him and fatten him up. Kathryn hadn't wanted to burst their bubble by stating it was okay for Edward to eat his grandmother out of house and home and that it was okay to stay overnight at Grandma's place, but not okay to be seen still staying in his parents' home. Grandma Gretchen, all of ninety, was Edward's most favourite individual after his parents, he always stated. Kathryn gave another sigh. No one mentioned it, but Edward loved to keep an eye on his grandmother without ever making it too obvious that she was frail and needed someone to watch over her. 

Seeing all the cadets graduating... Kathryn had seen cadets graduate every year, but today was so special for her and Chakotay. Their son was part of this year's crop of young ensigns, and it was a proud moment, much bigger than she had felt with all her other students over the years, even when there were the odd prodigies who sprang up from time to time and who sometimes reminded her of herself, of Chakotay or B'Elanna or Tom or Harry Kim. This year, she was a parent, and when Edward received his accolades, how could she not have tears in her eyes? 

The day had been a blessing, Kathryn thought as she looked around her outside the Zephram Cochrane Memorial Hall at the Academy. Miral Paris stood with her proud parents and her grandparents. Kathryn watched Harry and Annika fawn over their little Ahn-Li Kim, who at only twenty, was the youngest cadet to graduate. All over the lush grounds, groups of cadets and guardians, parents, well-wishers and family stood around, relishing the freedom of no longer being cadets. Kathryn had come outside as soon as the ceremony ended, preferring to observe the young people from a distance. More than half of the cadets here had come through her hands; she had an affection for each of them. Edward stood with some friends on the wide steps, but broke away from them as soon as he saw his family. 

Kathryn grinned inwardly. She had hardly been aware that Chakotay had quietly joined her, and only noticed when he strode hastily towards Edward as he came outside. A warmth spread through Kathryn. Chakotay, his hair now mostly grey, his bearing regal as he walked, still looked the most distinguished man. 

"Dad!" Edward cried as Chakotay approached him. The shaking of hands soon turned into pulling close and embracing as Edward greeted Chakotay. Chakotay patted Edward's back. 

"Congratulations, son. You've made us very proud parents today," he said, his expression a mixture of fatherly pride and sombreness. "Top of your class, huh. Isn't it something a Janeway would do?"

"Dad, you shower me with too much praise," Edward replied, laughing. "But I owe it to you and Mom. It's been hard, but worth every all-nighter I pulled the last four years!"

"If I didn't stop her, she'd have kept a vigil by your desk with a cup of black coffee every night."

"Dad! What would my room mate have said?" 

"Only that you're lucky to have a mother like Kathryn Janeway."

"And a father like Chakotay," Edward responded calmly.

Kathryn Janeway watched Chakotay's jaw twitch. It was a moment she knew Chakotay experienced every time he looked at Edward and remembered that once, it had been difficult just to look at Edward. Four years of Academy life and now graduating with honours was a breeze compared to how hard Edward fought...how hard she tried...

Her eyes closed briefly, the lids stemming the burn of tears. Quickly, she tried to subdue the rushing emotion and opened her eyes again. Looking at them now, seeing how well they communicated, seeing the love in Edward's eyes reciprocated in Chakotay's.. It was strange - surreal - to her now, the images still too close to her heart to dismiss the memories of the past. 

Edward and Chakotay talked in low tones while Kathryn waited for them to join her. Their gestures were intimate, conversational, and, a little exclusive, she admitted ruefully. She just had to wait her turn to congratulate their son, but she didn't mind. She never minded that Edward and Chakotay were so close now. They were surrounded by an aura so protective that it was hard for the observer to intrude on the conversation or poach on their togetherness. Kathryn let them be, knowing how much it meant to them just to talk and be friends, be father and son... 

"Well, I can't take credit for the coffee," Chakotay said on a soft chuckle as he glanced again in Kathryn's direction.

"She won't either. Coffee had its uses! But it was a good four years. I learned a lot... There'll probably be many more sleepless nights on my first commission...which I shall gladly endure!"

"_Enjoy_, you mean. _Thrive_ on, you mean," Chakotay amended.

"That too. I'll watch the gel packs like a hawk, and hide my stash of cider - "

"You have cider?"

"No one will know, you can bet on that," Edward said in a conspiratorial tone.

"I hate to disappoint you, son. I thought my cache of cider was the best kept secret on Voyager until your mother rudely awakened me to that little illusion."

"Oh. Is it a woman thing, do you think?"

"It is, Edward," Chakotay replied fervently. "You can't fool them for long."

"I'll have to sleep with my eyes open!"

"On Voyager your mother never used to sleep unless she was certain that her vessel was running at optimum efficiency. Now, the last four years.. Why, you'd swear she wanted to mother you all over again.." 

"She was on red alert, you mean!"

"There's much of your mother in you, son," Chakotay said finally.

Kathryn knew Chakotay was just teasing her. He glanced at her again; Chakotay and Edward didn't appear half ashamed that they were discussing her so openly, and a warmth crept into her cheeks. She smiled tenderly and gave a sigh of contentment. Chakotay always credited her with Edward's achievements and habits, yet so much of Chakotay was in their son too. 

"Oh no, Dad, you're not escaping that one. I got this, didn't I?" Edward responded, pointing to his left brow over which a tattoo like Chakotay's showed. "You were my hardest taskmaster, Dad. Difficult, yet fair and caring..."

Chakotay, silenced momentarily by Edward's honesty and praise, smiled kindly, basking in Edward's words. Kathryn noted how Chakotay's eyes turned to dark pools of wonder and an old, remembered pain. 

Why was it that a dark cloud hovered suddenly above them, coming from nowhere, it seemed? Kathryn looked up, but there was no cloud. The momentary feeling of darkness had settled only in her heart. 

She remembered the pain. Too much of it. 

An image...Edward at ten years old. Chakotay's words...

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Forgive me, Kathryn... that Jaffen's son was not always mine...

When Chakotay turned away from Edward, oblivious of the other cadets and their parents, his gaze was thoughtful, then a frown marred his features as he saw her. She knew what he was thinking; she knew what he was telling her in their wordless communication.. 

__

"Don't walk that road, Kathryn..."

But how could she not remember?

Today Edward, born not of Chakotay but now so much his son that her heart wanted to break with aching pain and happiness at once, graduated with honours, top of his class, and the first person he acknowledged in all he achieved was Chakotay. 

Don't go there, Kathryn, was the message she saw in Chakotay's eyes.

But the memory of what had once been came crashing into Kathryn Janeway's conscious and rolled blindingly to a time, a place, a ship, a baby...

*** 


	2. Ties that bind

PART TWO

Images... Like blinding light which swelled and then coalesced and bloomed outward again into vibrant blobs, flooded her and pressed her to acknowledge their presence. 

Sickbay... 

Kathryn Janeway lay on the biobed, a concerned Chakotay standing next to the EMH who coughed and cleared his throat as he studied the results of the test. Kathryn's eyes were on Chakotay, whose expression exuded glowing expectancy, a breathless dawning of something miraculous that would be imparted to him. Her hand stole to his, and he grasped eagerly for it. She was certain her heartbeat registered as erratic, jagged lines on the monitor to manifest officially how out of breath she felt.

Then Chakotay gave a soft little cry, so soft that only Kathryn heard it. Kathryn watched how Chakotay's face changed, the breathlessness, the excitement, the deep inner glow became frosted, stoned into immobility and the countenance registering in its arrested state, some kind of shock. Kathryn's hand reached for Chakotay's again for he had released his grip on her.

"Chakotay? Is something the matter. Our baby is alright, isn't it?" 

When Chakotay didn't reply, Kathryn turned to the doctor.

"Doctor?"

The EMH coughed and cleared his throat again. If he weren't a hologram, she was certain he would have blushed. Kathryn realised in those moments something catastrophic was happening, that in the next few seconds... There was a sudden buzzing in her ears, a painful thudding against her ribcage; her hands flew to her stomach, resting protectively there. Then the voices...voice...? Was it the Doctor speaking alone, to himself? Did Chakotay reply? Why did it feel as if clarity became a soft net curtain that once released from its tiebacks, fell close and she could only discern the Doctor and Chakotay through the haze?

"Doctor?" she tried again. "My baby?"

The Doctor cleared his throat once more, took a long time to respond.

"Tell her," came Chakotay's voice, and Kathryn's already distraught mind picked up the distress and the hollowness in his tone.

"What's wrong, Chakotay?"

The soft net curtain lifted; Kathryn saw Chakotay's face. It looked shattered. He stared at her; she noted idly how his hands balled into fists, how he tried to curb the trembling of his lips. 

Then Chakotay turned away from her and walked quietly, with dooming finality out of sickbay.

Kathryn wanted to get off the bed and follow him.

"Captain, I don't think it's wise. Your husband is distressed - "

"I can see that," she said bitingly, her own hysteria rising. "Is something wrong with our baby? Why would he leave if something's wrong with our baby? Why?"

Then the doctor made her sit up on the bed, her legs swinging over the side.

"Captain, what I'm going to tell you... I don't know how to say this - "

"I believe I can handle it, Doctor, if it's bad news, if it's bad enough that my husband has just walked out of sickbay...away f-from me..." 

The EMH gave her a long, thoughtful look, then sighed as he turned away from the monitor.

"Your son..." he started, noting for the first time that their child was a boy, "your son is in good health, Captain. There is nothing wrong with him."

Kathryn's heart pounded so wildly and so hard that she wanted to cry out from the pain. She couldn't breathe properly. Was she hyperventilating?

"Then what is it, Doctor?"

"Your son bears the genetic markers of the Quarrans - "

"That planet we were at three weeks ago?"

"Yes."

"I don't remember anything, Doctor, other than what was indicated in official logs. They used a form of mind control to enslave us - "

"Yes."

"And my baby?"

"Commander Chakotay is not the father of your child, Captain."

Kathryn wanted to burst out in hysterical laughter. Of course Chakotay was. She never slept with another man. Yet her husband of almost six months, with whom she tried to have a child, just walked out on her and she didn't know why. 

"Quarran genome, Doctor...?" she asked feebly, an awful, unvarnished testament of the truth, beginning to dawn on her. Her next words were a screaming contradiction of her denial, unwilling to entertain the most fantastic notion that she could be unfaithful to Chakotay. "I was artificially inseminated while I was unaware of it..."

"No, Captain," the EMH replied, his own voice sounding just as hollow as Chakotay's had been earlier. She looked into his eyes, looked away. 

"No," she sighed. "He can't be then, can he? If m-my child was fathered by a Quarran - " she stammered, "then - then Chakotay...c-can't..." Her throat felt thick, the breathlessness returned. The doctor held her shoulders but she was hardly aware of his grip on her. 

"I take it the Commander didn't tell you, Captain."

"Tell me what? I don't read his personal logs, Doctor, if that's what you mean."

"That, too. But on Quarra, you lived with another man, called Jaffen. "

"C-Chakotay knew?"

"He tried his best, Captain, to rescue one hundred Voyager crew. But yes, he knew. He never showed how much it affected him, Captain. Never."

The buzz returned and with it, a sudden onset of nausea. She felt herself becoming lighter, as if she were floating. The next moment, all went black.

*** 

Chakotay stood in the middle of the lounge floor, staring at the floor. Kathryn stood in front of him, hands at her sides, the urge to rush into his arms and to tell him it was all a bad, sick dream competed with the urge to throttle him.

The last twenty four hours her life had been turned upside down and Chakotay refused to talk. He stood, and while staring at the floor as if it offered him some hidden comfort, he was implacable.

"I didn't plan this, did I, Chakotay?"

He expelled a sigh, lifted wounded eyes to meet hers at last.

"No."

"I'm innocent of a crime, am I not, Chakotay?"

"I can't help what I'm feeling, Kathryn. You must understand. I - I thought..."

"What, that we tried for six months to make a baby and finally, you hit your mark?"

She hadn't wanted to be crude, hadn't wanted to destroy the fine thread that still tied them together, a thread that was dangerously close to breaking. She wasn't making it easier, and neither was Chakotay. He was suddenly reactive, responding only when she accused, stated, commented, pointed out realities, never begged, never pleaded.

"You know what I mean."

"I have no recollection of living with another man on Quarra, Chakotay."

His eyes closed. She was losing him...losing him... The child she was carrying was not going to be enough to hold him. How could it? The child was half Quarran, half human, nothing of Chakotay. He was a man, and the thought that his wife had lain with another man...it seared into his ego, his pride, the almost heavenly intimacy she shared with him the last six months. She had thought that there was nothing that could rend them apart, nothing. She could understand some of what he was feeling, the very thought of imagining her in bed with another man, enjoying the same intimacies that husband and wife had, could be unthinkable, unpalatable and intensely agonizing to him.

But she was innocent, as were the rest of the crew of Voyager who were held on Quarra. It was not her destiny, never hers to control. Something happened, the most serious offence of infidelity. Infidelity _only_ if she went into an illicit liaison with her eyes open, with the full knowledge that she was breaking faith and trust and continued regardless of the love her husband had for her. 

But she didn't. 

She was innocent, never knowing or being remotely aware that she was in a situation that could have the kind of repercussion such as Chakotay not being the father of her baby and the bottom of her world dropping from her.

Now a baby...Jaffen's child...

The child was innocent...innocent...innocent...

"But, it happened, Kathryn," came Chakotay's hollow words.

"It was out of my control. You of all people should understand that."

Only then, Chakotay closed the distance between them. He looked into her eyes, his own eyes empty, a vague attempt at understanding the dilemma they were in.

"I understand, Kathryn."

"Then accept this child, this...situation, for I didn't engineer this."

"I - "

This time, she took his hands in hers, pulled him closer to her.

"Please..."

"He's not my son, Kathryn..."

She pulled away from him, her eyes impassioned.

"What would you have me do? Terminate this pregnancy and all our troubles will go away? What would you have me do? Dismiss a reality not of my own making, and act as if it never happened? What would you have me do?"

"I'm not telling you to terminate - "

"No, I guess not. Because if I did, Jaffen will still be between us, wouldn't he? I'm not making this easy for you, right? I'm asking my own husband to be a father to the baby he didn't make for me, right?"

Chakotay sighed deeply. They were reaching an impasse. She wanted the baby, even if he were going to bear the distinctive markings of another race. Chakotay... It really couldn't be easy for him.

"I'll not leave you, Kathryn, if that's what you're thinking."

"No, but the spectre of a man I slept with, the reality of a child fathered by that man... That will always be between us..." she said softly. 

Chakotay didn't respond, and Kathryn felt again like driving a thousand spikes through him in her anger and disappointment. She wanted him to deny her claims; she wanted him to repudiate openly, as a verbal affirmation of her innocence, that her accusation was borne out of her despair that she was losing him. She wanted him to accept, like she was doing, that they were to have a baby together. 

Chakotay didn't smile as he took her in his arms and held her close. He never smiled after that. He loved her with a desperation that confused her at times during the next few months, but before her eyes, and she thought with a pang, only hers for they simply pulled on their masks after that, Chakotay was drifting slowly away from her. 

*** 


	3. Ties that bind

PART THREE 

Kathryn's eyes were on Chakotay as the EMH helped her with the baby. Chakotay had finally consented to be present at the birth. She knew how difficult it was for him and the last months had been mostly spent trying to make things easier for Chakotay. He had taken to sleeping on the couch, rarely touching her or stroking her belly. She missed that connection between them, the images of a happy father-to-be massaging her back, or stroking her belly in wonder, or whispering to the unborn baby instructions on growing up and learning things remained a vain yearning. It pained her to the quick, but she had made up her mind that she was not going to bail out of the new mission of her life: raising her child and making every effort that Chakotay would finally love him. 

Kathryn sighed. It had been a difficult confinement, and the hand she reached for when the contractions ravaged her body, only sometimes responded by gripping hers tightly. In those moments she looked at her husband, her tears and her joy mingled, but mostly her silent pleading that he stay and be their son's father. 

He never smiled. 

Somehow over the last months, with the intimacy broken between them, Chakotay had come to terms that she was never going to give up on her baby, that even as the doctor announced it was a boy, she loved her child with every fibre in her body. She had studied the official logs, and her baby, as he slipped from her and was placed on her bosom and she covered his tiny head with trembling hands, looked like her and looked like the man Jaffen who was the genetic father. In a surreal haze, for she could never quite qualify afterwards why it was or what motivated him, Chakotay lifted the baby from her bosom, held him up and gazed for a few seconds at him. Then he held the baby against his chest. Hot, hot tears spilled from his eyes and dripped onto the child. Then he handed her the baby again. 

She had looked at Jaffen's picture with a strange impartiality, a detachment and knowledge that he was just another person living on a homeworld they left months ago. Over and over she had tried to remember the man who slept with her and with whom she must have had some relationship. Over and over she pondered on the idea that she could give herself to another man like she did. Nothing happened. No memories, no lingering pulls of her body to someone else. 

Still, she tried to think the way Chakotay would think. Inwardly, she knew with a terrifying conviction that she would never give herself to another man if she didn't have affection for him or love him. That she consented to do so in an altered state...could that have been a testament to her own relationship with Chakotay? She wanted to - had brought herself to that point, even though intellectually she knew it couldn't be so - believe that whatever intimacies she shared with a man who was a stranger, that her subconscious must have needed for him to be Chakotay. But, no matter how many times she caught Chakotay looking at her with his heart in his eyes, she knew it was fleeting, that the moment he held her in those rare times or held her gaze with longing, that he must have thought of another man doing so too. Was that what caused the mental block with Chakotay? 

Jaffen... Kathryn tried to look for more traces of him in her son as the baby lay crying softly on her bosom; his alien features were softened on him; it was almost not there. She was realistic, however, knowing that as her baby grew older, those features would become more distinctive. 

Her baby had her eyes. For some reason she had been inordinately glad of that. She was tired but she held out her arms after the baby had been taken from her to be cleaned up and wrapped in a receiver and brought to her again. She had wanted Chakotay to stay a few minutes, hardly realising that she voiced her plea out loud. 

"Stay..." 

Chakotay leaned over her, his musk strong, bringing back memories of their closeness and intimacy. Her hand reached to cup his cheek. There were tears in his eyes as he pulled the receiver a little away and looked at the child. Kathryn held her breath as he touched the baby's forehead. Then Chakotay gave a sigh and straightened up. He gave her an agonised look before turning on his heel and making his way to the sickbay doors. 

Kathryn touched her baby and his eyes opened, his little forehead creasing at the intrusion. 

"I guess Daddy didn't want to stay. He'll be back, don't worry, then he'll love you as much as I love you..." 

It seemed to her that the baby understood as he peered at her with wise eyes, yawned and fell asleep. Moments later, Kathryn's eyes closed and she was hardly aware that Samantha Wildman had come and placed the baby in its crib next to the biobed. 

***  

"I've decided to name him Edward Kolopak Janeway," she told Chakotay once she was back in her quarters, stroking the child's fine hairs as he lay in his crib. 

What was she doing? She was baiting Chakotay, wanting some reaction from him. It had always been a dream to name a son for their respective fathers. Now Chakotay looked at her, a strange expression flitting across his features. He looked like he was about to burst into tears, then checked himself. She could see how he pulled back the mask of indifference. But she knew that she did get a reaction from him, and deep inside her, she sensed that he could be glad. She prayed desperately that it would be a connection, a tie that would bind her son to him. 

Chakotay nodded, then surprised her by pulling her into his embrace. 

"It's okay?" she whispered softly, and even as she wanted to swoon in the comfort of his embrace, she left him with an option. A hand cupped her head, stroked her hair. She pressed her face closer against his hard chest and wished fleetingly everything had been different. When Chakotay held her away, his features were hard, inscrutable and her heart sank. 

"I love you, Kathryn. It's just...it's difficult, you understand?" 

She wanted to throw herself at him and tell him she understood. She wanted to brush her hand across his brow and soothe his troubles away. His face, so beloved, so achingly dear, looked desperately unhappy. He was trying, trying his best. 

"Give us a chance, Chakotay. Let's take this one day at a time, okay? I'm sorr - " 

"Don't apologise, Kathryn," he sighed.

"Fine, then just...be there, will you?" 

She could ask him to leave her cabin; she could tell him to dissolve their marriage. Yet, her reluctance to resort to such an exit was as distasteful to her as the idea of disinheriting her son...their son, and to make as if he didn't exist. She wasn't going to quit; she was no quitter. She loved her baby desperately, and already his strange features had blended into her consciousness so that she saw not an alien child, but her son lying there with his thumb stuck firmly in his rosy mouth. 

Kathryn waited for Chakotay's reply, hoped that he wouldn't walk away from her again as he had done so many times in the last months. 

"I'll not leave you. I promised that, didn't I?" 

_Then love my child... _

She didn't throw herself in his arms again; instead, it was Chakotay who drew her close, enfolded her in his big giant embrace and held her to him. She felt his lips on her hair, and her eyes burned with unshed tears.

****  

During the nights she would rise bleary-eyed from the bed to lift Edward from the crib and tend to him. Breastfeeding the first two months had been wondrous as she watched her baby feed. She'd clean him, then rested in the rocking chair and rocked him till he fell asleep again. 

After the second night, Chakotay had started on a rocker when he realised that she needed to relax and sit back in a chair when she fed Edward. He had given her a wry, tight smile and then continued as if he were embarrassed at being caught secretly loving the baby. It was such a fragile situation, she didn't want to spoil the tenuous thread that grew just a little stronger. 

One night Chakotay had come to bed, for the first time joining her again after sleeping on the couch since the day her pregnancy had been confirmed. It had been a slow, agonising odyssey in which she waited patiently for him, yearning for his closeness, crying inside when he hesitated, not wanting to touch her or be intimate. He never spoke of his need; always, the ghost of a stranger lurked between them and in their bed. 

She had crept into his arms and buried her face against his chest. A deep sigh had escaped from him as he  settled her comfortably in his embrace. She felt his hand caressing her hair, melted against him as her body remembered their old closeness, wanting more...more... Kathryn wanted to press her warm face, suffused with suppressed need and passion, in the hollow of his neck, but held back. He was in her bed, wasn't he? It was enough for now, wasn't it? 

"You said one day at a time, Kathryn," he whispered hoarsely into her hair. 

"Yes..." 

****  


End file.
